Emails exchanged. Repertoire chosen. Ricky chose 10 songs to showcase his music in a way that he wanted. I knew that we would have little time to rehearse in CA, so I made the move. Can I come coach in NYC? Originally the show was supposed to be April 2016, so I scheduled a coaching session the same week I had an audition in January of 2016.
This was after an INCREDIBLY packed fall schedule and after my debut with the Houston Symphony for one of their Christmas concerts. During the Houston stay, I tried to also pack in a Houston Grand Opera audition. The worst idea. My mind was focused on the short symphony rehearsal I had and I could not focus on the audition. It was terrible, and not just from my overly critical point of view. My objective self knew how terrible it was. Although I made some good music in Houston with the symphony and in recital, I was not feeling good about singing, at all. the HGO audition hung heavily over my head.
It felt reminiscent of the moment I walked away from singing the first time. 12 years away…the hamster wheel of doubt, the sickness in my stomach, that feeling that I just wanted to run and hide. I was so embarrassed by this audition, and yet, I literally had to run from the audition to my rehearsal with the Houston Symphony. (Thankfully all went well and I felt a little better about my Houston trip!)
The emotion fragility of being a professional singer at times is tough to work through in a a healthy way. I am criticized constantly, and have to continue to remain strong in who I am as a person, a singer, and an artist. To go from a horrific audition to rehearsing with the poet and composer you hold in great reverence is quite the definition of emotional roller coaster!